I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
