You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
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