Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
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