I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
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