i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
