There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Are we still banned from the library?
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
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