I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
