so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
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