If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
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