I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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