The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Randomize
