I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Randomize
