I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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