sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
