Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
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