You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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