Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
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