my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
