Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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