Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
