i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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