white trash or talent: driving, 1 hand on the wheel, 1 holding a cell phone & talking & smoking without using hands..in an old beater pickup..
Both
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
