I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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