he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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