You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
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