I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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