That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
you told grandpa to call you daddy
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
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