no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
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