Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
