well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Randomize
