Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
