Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
