his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize