don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
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