I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
drinking out of a sandbucket again
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
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