this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Randomize
