The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
