Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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