I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
