Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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