I'm so fucking centered right now
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
