i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
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