just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Randomize
