Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
