My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
I lost the right to judge tonight
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
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