If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
