remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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