don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
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