I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
