He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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