Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
