No awkward lesbian experiences without me
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
The power of my boobs compel you
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
