I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Randomize
