Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
Sober January is a disaster.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
