Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
