you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
