just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Randomize
