Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
