I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Randomize
