so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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