Even the bartender felt bad for me
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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